For many of us, a time comes when we are now the ones who need to parent our parents. Some are lucky and have people to share that burden with. Some are only children, and have always know they alone will be responsible for it. Some of us had a sibling, but lost them along the way and are now facing this stage on our own.

A lesson in frustration

This morning, at about 8:15 am, my dad called me. His first sentence to me is “Can you find me”. I was super confused. My dad spent 20 years working overnight, so being up at eight in the morning is super out of character for him. He had a doctor’s appointment at 11, but it was still early for him to be awake, let alone on his way to his appointment. I do not know what happened this morning, except that he got lost. He was many miles from home and from where he was supposed to be.

I have an app that I use to track family members. Mostly for my kids, but I have it on his phone too, since he likes to go hiking on his own, and I like to be able to check in on him. So, this morning I pulled over and found him on the app. I walked him through how to get back to the highway, and how to get to the office from there and hung up. When I got home I checked on the app and found that he had gone the wrong direction.

So I called him back to follow him on the app. However, the doctor’s office called and canceled his appointment while we were trying to get him there. So, now I had to make him change where he was going. I followed him on the app and walked him step by step. Unfortunately, he didn’t follow all the directions I gave him. It ended up taking me 45 minutes to get him back on the highway headed for home.

Realization

I have watched my dad’s memory fade little by little for the last couple of years. There was an incident a couple of months ago that was pretty telling, but no one but me seemed to be concerned by it. So, I let it go as a one-time thing. Today has proven that it is a bigger deal than anyone thought. This doctor’s office isn’t in his day-to-day circle, but it is one he has been to many times. It is also located right next to the hospital where my mom spent many months in and out of the ICU. He shouldn’t have trouble getting there. There are only four turns needed in the entire drive. And yet, he ended up nowhere near where he was going, and I am not even sure how he could have gotten there. He needs help. I will have to take him to every appointment. I will have to start trying to convince him to move into a senior living community. Somewhere he will have other people and someone who can keep an eye on him.

I live 45 minutes from him. I have kids, and activities, and jobs. And yet, I’ll have to figure out how to constantly be there to drive him to appointments. How long is it until I have to do everything for him? How do I make that work?

What is next

I guess it is time to start truly searching out ways to help him. Senior living places for him. Figuring out how we are going to afford the needed help. Sometimes I feel guilty that I am frustrated at him for needing me. He certainly didn’t parent me. Why do I need to parent him? Sometimes I feel guilty for being mad at my brother for taking himself away from this situation. I know taking care of him as he ages is the right thing to do, and I’m doing it. But sometimes I really don’t want to. I want to remember that he did very little to take care of me when I was growing up. I want to remember that he has often reminded me that he never wanted children, that he wishes he hadn’t had them. Some days I really just want to stand up for myself and not take care of him. But, if I don’t, who will?

Anyway. Parenting your parents is something that comes with life. Most of us have no idea what steps to take or when to take them. Too bad they don’t come with instructions.