The hardest decision I’ve ever had to make still haunts me today. It is one I never wanted to make, and one I hope I’m never in the position to make again. A decision I hope I never make anyone else make on my behalf either. I have actually made a decision between life and death. Not for me, but for my mother. My dad couldn’t, or more accurately wouldn’t, make the decision.

My mom had a headache that wouldn’t go away. It had lasted for days, and was bad enough that it made it difficult for her to function. She had finally made an appointment, at my insistence. While she was getting ready, she fell onto her bed and became unresponsive. My dad called me and the ambulance.

We were facing brain surgery that may or may not make a difference.

The doctors were pretty sure the surgery would be successful and she would live. However, they were also pretty sure that she would not have any quality of life. She would be mostly brain-dead, unable to leave her bed, and need constant care.

The other choice was to take her off life support and let her go. She had been sick off and on for years. She had had many strokes, some TBIs, and at least three heart attacks. Before this aneurysm, she was actually the healthiest she had been in years. Even then, she was not what most would be considered healthy. She was mostly bedridden, couldn’t communicate well, and was in constant pain. She had been in the ICU and on the brink of death three or four times in the previous three years.

When the doctors said that she would be worse, I knew I didn’t really have a choice to make. Her body had made it for me. My mom would never want to live in a vegetative state where she would need someone else to care for her constantly. She wouldn’t want to put that on me, or my dad. And, it would only be a matter of time before her body betrayed her again.

That didn’t make it an easy decision to make. I still had to make a choice of life or death for my mom. I knew the right choice, but it took a bit for me to make it. It has been a burden I have carried with me for fifteen years, and one I will continue to carry for the rest of my life. It is a burden I wouldn’t wish on anyone.