What is grief

Grief is universal. People often describe grief as passing through 5 or 7 stages. The 5 stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The 7 stages elaborate on these and aim to address the complexities of grief more effectively. They include feelings of guilt.

The Stages of Grief: How to Understand Your Feelings

https://www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief

Everyone finds themselves traversing the stages of grief at some point in their lives. That is an unfortunate truth of this thing we call life. Eventually, we all lose someone close to us, someone we love. For many, it is our parents. Sometimes it is the loss of a job or other major life changing event. It is the deep sorrow felt after a loss.

There are often stages of grief. Some say five, some say seven. The original five were spoken about by a Swiss-American psychiatrist named Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying. Those five stages are:

• denial (a common defense mechanism used to protect oneself from the hardship of considering an upsetting reality.)
• anger (people question why something occurred and express outward anger)
• bargaining (a stage in which you may try to negotiate with yourself or with a higher power to try to undo the loss)
• depression (sadness sets in as you begin to understand the loss and its effect on your life)
• acceptance (your emotions may begin to stabilize)

The time one spends in each stage varies. And each stage can come and go. At least in my personal experience.

My journey through grief

16 years ago (in 10 days time), my brother took his life. I can remember the days leading up to his death, or at least I can remember the bigger points of those days. I knew what was coming, but I also knew that he wouldn’t accept the kind of help I had to offer. The kind of help that would get him treatment for his bipolar disorder. He didn’t want that kind of help. He wouldn’t take it. Our family and I had been offering that kind of help for a year.

Stage 1 – Denial

I barely stepped foot in this stage. Since I knew this was coming, denial was a difficult stage to have. There were days that I dipped my toe in, but even those were brief interludes. I knew he was gone, I knew he took himself from the world, from me, from my kids.

Stage 2 – Anger

I spent the most time here. I still visit pretty regularly. I was so angry that he wouldn’t take the help that was offered. I was angry that the people he trusted to help him let him down. I was angry that he trusted them over his own family. I was angry that I had to explain to my three-year-old that her favorite uncle wouldn’t ever be having grilled cheese picnics on the kitchen floor with them any longer. That he would never be there again. That he would miss all the big wonderful things that would happen in my child’s life.

I stayed angry for years. I find myself falling back into anger the most. I tend to get super angry when bigger events happen. Things I know he would celebrate with us. When my youngest has a dance recital, or my middle got accepted to the special program at her high school. When my oldest got his first job, or stood up for himself and left that job.

Stage 3 – Bargaining

Honestly, until I started doing some research to write this post, I didn’t think I really experienced this stage. It would be hard to bargain my brother back, he can’t suddenly not be dead.

Certainly, this wouldn’t constitute a prominent aspect of the grieving process if it were solely applicable beyond the context of death. I just never thought about it.

I have absolutely bargained. I began volunteering with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I tried to be a better person. I most definitely thought about what I could have done to keep him alive. If I had just responded more kindly to his text the night before. If I had just helped him run away from his troubles. If I had just forced him to get help. This is all a form of bargaining in grief.

Stage 4 – Depression

This. This stage took hold and never let go. That being said, I have moved through it. I didn’t have a choice. I had to do all the things that need to be done after the loss of a loved one. I put together a memorial, I dealt with the cremation, I handled the life insurance policy.

About a month after his death I found out I was pregnant with my second child. Talk about a tornado of emotions. I was absolutely still dealing with the depression that set in because of my brother’s death. My mom’s health was declining again. I hadn’t had a chance to spend any time in my grief. Then there is the excitement about bringing a new life into the world. Followed by the depression, and anger, that my brother wouldn’t be here to meet the new kid.

If I am being completely honest with you, and I guess I am, I would say that I never let myself be in my grief. This is for a lot of reasons, but mostly because months after my brother took his life my mom died and two weeks to the day after that my nine week old nephew died. My brother set off a two year river of death. I lost 18 people in that two years. When did I have time to slow down and feel?

While I still experience the depression that comes with my grief, it is not nearly as strong as my anger.

Stage 5 – Acceptance

I feel like I have mastered the acceptance stage. I know my brother is gone. I know he took his own life. I know he isn’t coming back. I know there isn’t anything I can do to bring him back.

I can remember the good memories. My favorite memory is watching my oldest child and my brother having “picnics” on the kitchen floor at my parent’s house. My brother made the most amazing grilled cheese sandwiches. He would make each of them a sandwich, add some chips, and they would sit together on the floor, talk about life and dinosaurs, and eat. It was their special time.

I have moved on, I see the good in my life. I look forward to the future, even if it doesn’t include him. Acceptance is not an issue.

Where I am now

When my brother took his life it changed me. I know that there is no going back to “normal” there is only the new normal. However, I am a completely different person than I was before his death.

I’m not sure I could explain what about his death caused all the changes that followed. I can pinpoint that moment in time as the ground zero of those changes though. I’ve always been a bit of an introvert, but I have folded in on myself. I rarely want to go out and socialize anymore. I am not comfortable in situations where I don’t know anyone. I used to love trying new things, but I can’t bring myself to try much of anything anymore. I cry about everything, which can be pretty embarrassing for my kids. I have fairly serious social anxiety that was never an issue before. And I have panic attacks, sometimes without any obvious trigger (like writing this post).

This new me is my new normal. It isn’t a normal I am super happy about, but it at least gives me a baseline.

Grief Takes Time

We all experience grief at different rates. These stages come and go, and can be experienced at the same time as the others. Today is my brother’s birthday. He turned 21 and took his life 10 days later. It has been almost 16 years. I am still sitting in some of these stages. I don’t know how healthy that is for me, but it is what it is.

Please remember to take the time you need to feel your grief. Don’t let yourself, or those around you, rush you. You need to get through it in your own time.

Take a few minutes, close your eyes, remember your lost one (or whatever you’re grieving), enjoy the good memories and take that with you into tomorrow.