I apologize now for the jumbled mess this post is likely to be. This will be the definition of one of my mid dumps. The riot of emotions means I have lots of words, but no clue how to get them out.

Family means a lot to me. It always has. It means that I tend to put up with bs that I probably shouldn’t from people who are meant to give a shit about me.

It has been 10 months since I last talked to my aunt. And it wasn’t a good talk. That talk is on me. Or at least partially on me. My youngest was having some issues with her cousin’s behavior toward her, and let her know that she wouldn’t put up with it any longer. The problem is that said cousin has some mental health issues caused by her bio parents habits when pregnant with her, so she doesn’t understand a lot of normal things. My aunt stood up for her child, and I stuck up for mine. We haven’t talked since.

My uncle has been slightly more communicative, but not really. Only if it had to do with my dad, his brother.

The cousin is over it. She has moved on and so have we.

My aunt had been having some major health issues, and has had a couple of surgeries since we stopped communicating. I only now about them because of my aunt and a different uncle.

Today, cousin posted something about needing prayers for her mom because she was having surgery for breast cancer. No one in the family knew.

This is where the emotions go haywire. We may not have spoken in 10 months, but I still care about my aunt and her health. I still care about my uncles and both cousins. I want them to be healthy and happy.

So now I am sick with worry over this surgery and what it means for all of them.

And I am feeling guilty for not being more proactive in mending the fence with them.

And I am angry. Very angry. Not just for myself, but for the family as a whole.

My grandmother chose not to tell me she had lung cancer and was dying. She chose to let me be blindsided by the fact that she had been dying for a long time. I didn’t get to say goodbye. My brother took his life. No one got any closure or relief.

I hate the not knowing. I hate the feelings that come with s sudden loss, that didn’t have to be sudden. I hate, that by hiding this from the family, my uncle and cousins have been dealing with this on their own. I hate that the entire family could be blindsided today, or in the near future, with the death of my aunt.

I am so sick to my stomach with all the emotions, and having nothing but this to be able to do about it.

I think that’s all I’ve got for now. If you made it this far, thanks.

Go find a way to make today brighter for yourself or someone else! Love and light readers.