Not going to lie, boundaries are hard for me. Making them is getting easier, but enforcing them isn’t. Being raised in the home I was in, saying no wasn’t an option, at least not a safe one. I didn’t learn to set or protect boundaries because they didn’t exist. If I set them, I’d pay for it. Usually, physically, as well as verbally and emotionally. So, I just did what I was told to save myself, and I never said no.

Saying no

The small adjustment I need to make here is saying no and sticking to it. I have been doing better about saying no. But then the pouting, or anger, or guilt trips start, and I give in and allow my boundary to be crossed.

I am no longer afraid of the physical retaliation for setting and enforcing a boundary. However, I still have a mental block when it comes to “disappointing” others. Or making them “mad” at me. I’m still afraid of what that might look like, even if I logically know it won’t come with abuse.

So, my adjustment will be holding a boundary. Even if it is a small one. I’m just getting used to saying no and meaning it.

Protecting time and energy

My time and energy are important. Or at least they should be. In my house, my time and energy seem to be at the bottom of the totem pole, always.

I write my posts in between doing things for everyone else. I hide in my room for five minutes to get one video recorded. I sneak in a shower when I think everyone is asleep, and it may be possible for no one to need me for 10 minutes.

This is part of that setting, and keeping boundaries. When I say I need time to do my recording, I need that to mean that my family knows I’m unavailable for anything but emergencies.

It is time for me to take that back and protect myself by insisting on having work and quiet time every day. Even if it is only 20 minutes, so that I can write or record some videos.

Guilt & unlearning people-pleasing

Sometimes I think I must have been catholic in a past life. The amount of guilt I feel for every single thing that bothers those I care about is crazy.

I’m not sure how much of that is guilt and how much is worry for myself if I’m not living up to others’ expectations of how I spend my time or what I get done in a day.

I’m working on learning that discomfort does not equal harm. That while I’m afraid of conflict and of other people being disappointed in me, I can hold a boundary and deal with the conflict or disappointment.

A bigger adjustment for me is saying no without explanation. Just no. It is a complete sentence, which I have no problem saying when it comes to bodily autonomy, so I need to practice it as a complete sentence in other situations.

Modeling boundaries for your kids

This is so important. We talk about setting and holding boundaries all the time. My kids know what that looks like in theory. They know when they should and how they should. But they don’t see me do it. And part of that is because they are the ones who trample all over mine the most.

I really need to work on modeling this behavior for them. Letting them know that I deserve the same respect of my boundaries that I give them for theirs.

This adjustment doesn’t require me to become someone new. It just asks me to stop abandoning myself when things get uncomfortable.

Holding boundaries is uncomfortable. But so is constantly giving more than I have. I’m choosing the discomfort that protects me.

Where do you struggle more: saying no, or sticking to it?

TL;DR

Boundaries are hard for me, especially enforcing them. My small adjustment is practicing saying no, protecting my time, and modeling healthy boundaries for my kids, even when guilt kicks in.

This post is part of the Small Adjustments series, where I explore realistic, sustainable ways to care for my health, mindset, and life.