Is there an age or year of your life you would re-live? I wasn’t sure I could answer this question. It can be thought of in a few different ways. The two options that stick out to me are 1. Going back and re-living something exactly as it occurred. 2. Go back and re-live something with the opportunity to change things. Those are two very different options, with two very different answers.

My youth was full of mental, verbal and physical abuse. I do have some good memories from my childhood, but nothing sticks out as something I’d want to re-live.

However, if I got to go back and make some changes, I would re-live 2007. Re-living it might not be able to save my brother from himself, but it might give us all a little more time with him. And it would give me the chance to change the last words he heard from me. Maybe I don’t even need to re-live all of 2007, I just need to re-live December 11-12. Just enough that my brother could know that I loved him so much and that I wanted him to stay in this world – for himself, for me, for my child(en), for his family. He might not have taken those words and turned them into a reason to stay, he would have at least known how much he was loved and wanted as he left this world. Instead, he left this world with my frustrated, unkind, words ringing in his mind.

I have spent almost 16 years grieving my brother’s suicide. And I have spent the same amount of time hating myself for the last words I said to him. In that time, I have reminded myself and those around me that life is too short. It’s too short to hold grudges – just let them go if they’re toxic for your life. It’s too short to be angry about the smaller things – don’t let it eat you up. And even in anger, even in frustration, never end the conversation with angry, hateful, hurtful words. Walk away before it gets to that. Say something like “I’m too angry to have this conversation. I love you, so I’m going to walk away until we are both in a better headspace” or “I love you, talk to you later” or “I’m glad we are friends, and we can talk about this at a later time”. Consider what you would feel if those words were the last thing you said to that person. I know that I think about those last words all the time!

So, would I re-live an age or a year of my life? Only if I can change the way I reacted to and treated my brother in his last year of life.