If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Procrastination

Even sitting here at the computer, I am procrastinating writing this entry. I am overthinking what I should say to make y’all care. I am hoping I can write the “perfect” blog entry. And I am watching a bunch of people make elf-on-the-shelf-themed sweets on the TV.

I spend so much time thinking about how to do a thing, that I end up under severe pressure to actually get the thing done. Sometimes it is a blog entry, sometimes it’s dinner, sometimes it’s just plain life.

Often, I do this because the anxiety about the outcome is just too high. I am so afraid of that rejection, or failure, or some other negative outcome, that I just don’t want to start at all. Or I start and stop repeatedly.

I doom scroll Facebook or Instagram instead. It’s like taking a break. Just lots of them.

Honestly, I would really love to get rid of the anxiety, and the procrastination. I can’t imagine how much more productive I could be if I could just start something and follow through to the end.

Me first

I deserve to be put first once in a while. I deserve to be able to shower, and eat, and to not say yes to every damn thing someone asks me to do.

Probably my biggest fault is my inability to stand up for myself. To set boundaries and stick to them. Sticking to them is the hardest part for me. I seem to be incapable of telling people no. Or, I tell them no, and then cave and do it anyway. Especially if it is for my kids.

I always feel guilty for not doing things for them that are within my ability to do, even if they aren’t things that need to be done. I don’t know where that guilt comes from. I’m sure a therapist would have a field day with that one. But, I always feel terrible after I cave too. Like, aren’t I important enough for my needs to come first once in a while? Then the depression rears its ugly head, and it becomes a whole thing.

Mental health is so important to me. And I know that part of healthy mental health is not overloading yourself. It is taking care of yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally. So really, I’d love to build a backbone that lets me stand up for myself and say no when I need to.

If I could change one thing about myself, what would it be?

While procrastination is a pain, and adds some complications to my life, it really isn’t what I would change, if I could only change one thing. I would have to change my inability to say no and stand up for myself.

In the long run, I think that being able to stand up for myself and say no, would actually bring me more calmness, and allow for my day to run more smoothly. If my days are running more smoothly, I’m less likely to put things off until the last possible moment. So, maybe it could fix both problems.